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Georgia 'Watermelon Capital Of World' Claim Goes Unchallenged BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, June 19, 2003
CORDELE, GA—For the 15th year in a row, Cordele has retained the title of "Watermelon Capital of the World"—despite a clear lack of evidence that its melons are the biggest, best, or most abundant. "We really expected Knox City, TX, to step up to the plate this year and give us a run for our money," said Mona Simmons, president of the Cordele-Crisp Chamber of Commerce. "Thankfully, they seem content just being the Seedless Watermelon Capital of the World."

Internet Some Bad Raps for Non-Hacks BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, June 19, 2003
A few odd cases show that you don't have be a digital desparado to be accused of a cybercrime... particularly if you embarrass the wrong bureaucrats.

Some recent (and not so recent) cases illustrate how computer security professionals and well intentioned whistle-blowers face a genuine risk of running afoul of computer crime statutes simply for forgetting to ask the right person, "May I?," before doing a computer security assessment...

(Read More...)

DADD (Dating Attention Deficit Disorder) BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, June 19, 2003

A common disorder in which the other partner of a pair "dating" or spending time together whom are mutually attracted to each other but can not commit or make definitive decisions on what they want or expect from the other party. Quite common in the age range of 18 - 24 for both males and females.
Side effects of condition:
A feeling of vast confusion on the part of the opposite party involved with DADD. Creates a lack of formation of meaningful relationships which may lead to ISADD, ICSLUT, NTTTD, IJARD if not treated efficiently.
Some possible treatments to this disorder include:
The partner which is witnessing this disorder should call the other partner out on it (may have adverse reactions however and cause FOCD to occur instead of DADD)
Dating others in similar social circle to illustrate need for correction of DADD to other party. (Reported to cause IJARD in some case studies)
Walking away from entire situation (Reported to cause ISADD to occur in non DADD party occasionally)
Becoming the Y member of the relationship and thus becoming DADDY to other party (Known to cause TMTD on occasion)
SEX (Known to cause FOCD, ISAD, NTTTD, IJARD, TMTD, ICSLUT in extreme levels quite rapidly; proceed with caution)
Abstinence (Known to cause ISADD, SBD)
Buying the other party going though DADD expensive gifts (May cause NTTTD, SBD, ICSLUT)
Doing nothing but keeping your options open and keeping in a positive, fun mood (Most effect treatment, no known adverse reactions other then IJARD on occasion due to the fact that the DADD party loses the other non DADD party to a new non DADD partner)

Similar known disorders:

FOCD (pronunciation: Fuk'D) (Fear of Commitment Disorder)
ISADD (Insane Loneliness and Depression Disorder)
NTTTD (Not Thinking Things Through Disorder)
SBD (Stupid Blonde Disorder; occurs in both males and females)
IJARD (Insane Jealousy and Rage Disorder)
TMTD (Too Much Time Together Disorder)
ICSLUT (I Can't Stand Loving U Too Disorder)

Posted by on Thursday, June 19, 2003
Reveal Key Plot Twist During Nine-hour Interrogation

British police today nabbed thieves who stole thousands of copies of the latest Harry Potter book from a warehouse in Merseyside, but were devastated when the thieves spoiled the book’s ending during a nine-hour interrogation.

The police had tracked the thieves to an abandoned garden shed in suburban Liverpool where they found the perpetrators engrossed in reading J.K. Rowling’s latest installment, “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.”

As the police questioned the suspects, however, the interrogation quickly veered from how the books were stolen to what actually happens in the “Potter” book itself.

Sgt. Colin McCauley, one of the police officers present at the interrogation, said that the questioning started going awry when one of the officers asked what happens to the character of Lord Voldemort in the new book.

“I sensed at the time that the Lord Voldemort question was leading us into very dangerous territory,” Sgt. McCauley said. “It seemed to open the floodgates.”

After revealing many other details of the book’s plot, including what happens to Ron as keeper of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, the thieves divulged the surprise ending of “Phoenix”, completely wrecking it for police.

“I put my hands in my ears and started going, ‘la, la, la,’ but it was too late,” Sgt. McCauley said.

In a related story, Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) was caught today stealing over nine thousand copies of the Potter book today from a warehouse in Paramus, NJ.

Questioned by police, Sen. Clinton admitted that she stole the books in the hopes of making her own book, “Living History,” the nation’s number one bestseller.

Free Online Diploma BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, June 17, 2003
Couldn't quite cut it this time around ? Came up a few credits short? Never fear !!! We here at IN have the perfect solution for you.

No more all-nighters. No more finals. Just click on our Free Online Diploma link and we'll do the rest...

Internet Take the Pepsi Challenge; Lose Your Job BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, June 17, 2003
The Teamsters Union said Friday that it doesn't believe a delivery driver in California was fired by the Coca-Cola Bottling Co. because he drank a Pepsi on the job -- the reason the company gave, the union said.

Instead, the union contends, Rick Bronson was fired for promoting the union to non-union employees.

Coke denies that claim...

(Read More...)

Internet Monkeypox Mercifully Ends Plague of Acronyms BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, June 17, 2003
The years long plague of naming newly discovered diseases using sterile acronyms such as, SIDS, AIDS and SARS has finally been broken with the discovery of the new disease Monkeypox, which broke out in the Midwest early this week. br>
“With Monkeypox, we’re seeing a return to the creativity that gave us Mad Cow, German Measles, Whooping Cough, and Crabs. It’s been a long, dry run for disease, and I’m personally glad to see the spell ended.” Said CDC chief Dr. Julie Gerberding. “And I’d like to say to anyone out there fortunate enough to name a new disease: It’s not always easy, but including the name of an animal is a sure bet.”

Internet VH 1's 'Greatest Songs' List Bound to Stir Stink Passion by Fans BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, June 17, 2003
Start a list, start a fight.

Music cable network VH1 has anointed the "100 Greatest Songs From the Past 25 Years," and wouldn't you know, some people are taking exception to the choices.

Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time" ranked above Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA?" Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" greater than the Clash's "London Calling?" Britney Spears over Marvin Gaye, Snoop Dogg, Radiohead and the Ramones?

As one kvetcher (among many) on VH1's online message boards recently wrote: "VH1 smokes crack." That was alongside other attacks on the song list, including "useless," "pathetic" and "This is more than insulting, this is a farce."...

(Read More...)

Ford, GM Develop Competing Billboard Blocking Technologies BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, June 17, 2003
Automobile manufacturers are emulating ad blocking software for the Internet by developing billboard blocking technology for cars, trucks and SUVs. Ford and GM have taken different approaches in billboard blocking technology...

(Read More...)

Internet Father's Day Gift: You're on the Right Track BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, June 12, 2003
I think I overheard my offspring discussing getting dear old Dad a toolbox for Father's Day. So, ithought I might hint at the bare necessities it should have. Electricity? A fuel tank? A computer? A built-in vacuum cleaner? A radio?

Of course, for a true man's man toolbox, I'll have to be able to cook steaks on it.

Doctors Reveal Bush Using Corked Vice-President BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, June 12, 2003
Washington D.C. - Americans, still reeling after Sammy Sosa was ejected from a baseball game for using a corked bat, now have another corking story to face. Doctors at the Bethesda Naval Hospital announced that a routine brain scan of Vice-president Dick Cheney revealed that he was corked.

"We're not sure why this didn't show up on previous medical examinations. We can only speculate that possibly this isn't the Vice-president the President has been using, or maybe he's been recently corked," said Dr. Hamala who examined Cheney.

Hamala explained that further examinations revealed that not only was the Vice-president brain made entirely of cork, but all his internal organs were as well. "The Vice-president is completely corked," said Ramala.

President Bush denied knowing that Cheney was corked. "I promise the American people that I had no idea he was corked," said Bush. "I was given several choices for Vice-president during the campaign, and I just picked him. I know I probably should've checked, and for that I am deeply sorry."

The Democratic presidential candidates were quick to attack the President on this issue. North Carolina Senator John Edwards at a campaign stop in Maine said, "You have to ask yourself was the President using a corked Vice-president when the tax cut was passed? Maybe the entire congress was corked when that was passed. I think it taints his presidency."

Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle asked for an independent counsel to investigate how deeply the corking goes. "Is the entire cabinet corked?" said Daschle.

A source inside the White House said he was "surprised it was Cheney and not the President, himself who had cork for brain." These feelings mirror a recent poll by USA Today which showed 52% of Americans believed Bush lacked brain matter, while only 15% thought Cheney was brainless.

Bush claims that he would've won the 2000 election even without a corked Vice-president and Al Gore, when contacted at his home in Tennessee declined comment, but he did release a written statement which read, "It appears I wasn't the only one who was wooden on the campaign trail in 2000."

Chicago resident and baseball fan, Aaron Henry said, "First Sammy (Sosa) and now the President? I can't believe it. The next thing you know they'll tell us that Jenna Jameson was using a corked dildo all those years."

Internet Irrational Fun with Science BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, June 12, 2003
I stumbled across the Science Toys site on one of my numerous forays on the web. Author Simon Field presents well conceived plans for outstanding science projects such as a simplistic electric motor and an easy-to-make gauss rifle. I tried my hand with the film can cannon and found it worked nicely. A well crafted site that will entertain kids, or immature adults like me, for days...

Man Breaks Out Dating Boxers BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, June 10, 2003
Having secured a date for the first time in seven months, IN Admin Alex Dunn removed his dating boxers from the bottom of his dresser Saturday.

"No tighty-whities for me tonight," said Dunn, taking off a pair of dingy Putitan briefs and slipping on the blue Calvin Klein boxers with a small, understated white "CK" logo near the bottom of the right leg.

"A girl might actually see me in my underwear." Dunn added that if the date goes well and future encounters with the woman seem likely, he will purchase a three-pack of boxers.

Oh man, my Dad's gonna kill me for this one...

Grinding Nemo...No, It's NOT What You Think !!! BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, June 10, 2003
Kids be warned: Flushing your pet fish down the drain will not send it safely into the ocean as depicted in the movie "Finding Nemo."

A company that manufactures equipment used to process sewage issued a press release Thursday warning that drain pipes do lead to the ocean -- eventually -- but first the fluid goes through powerful machines that "shred solids into tiny particles."

"In truth, no one would ever find Nemo and the movie would be called 'Grinding Nemo,"' wrote the JWC Environmental company, which makes the trademarked "Muffin Monster" shredding pumps.

In the unlikely event Nemo survived the deadly machines, the company added, he would probably be killed by the chlorine disinfection.

How to Live Large, and Largely For Free. My Kind of Job... BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, June 10, 2003
Jennifer Voitle gets paid to shop, eat at restaurants, drink at bars, travel and even play golf. Last month, she made nearly $7,000 from her various freebie adventures. By the end of the year, she could be making more than she did in investment banking, not counting her steady supply of handouts...

(Read More...)

Internet Change Would Be Good...PLEASE ?! BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, June 5, 2003
Unfortunately, Amber Hammock of Plains, GA has discovered that newly found beau, IR's own Drew Dunn, is hopelessly addicted to Ice Breakers Breath Mints.

"I don't really mind the freshness of his breath, but the cool mint flavor is getting a little old", Hammock said as she presented him with a fresh wintergreen flavor tin.

Ms Hammock has petitioned Hershey's for more flavor selections, but has yet to see any results. However through IR's inside connections, we have discovered the candy giant plans to market a new Ice Breakers Unleashed, supposedly supercharged with extra flavor crystals for extra fresh breath. Kudos to Amber for enhancing Hershey's marketing stragedy...

Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, June 5, 2003
Brad Rolen, the new bassist for Pillar Of Salt, remains oblivious to the fact that he is in a Christian rock band, sources reported Tuesday.

"Pillar's great," said Rolen, 22, who is unaware of his bandmates' devotion to Christ, despite playing on such songs as "Wade In The Water," "Eternal Life," and "Kiss Of The Betrayer." "We rock really heavy and hard, but we've got a positivity that you don't see in too many bands these days. I've only been with these guys for three months, but I feel like it's the perfect fit for me."...

(Read More...)

Candy Purchase Nets Yet More Money For Tootsie Roll's Bloated Coffers BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, June 5, 2003
Americus, GA—The already overflowing coffers of Tootsie Roll Industries were further fattened Wednesday, when Americus resident, Crystal (C J) Dunn, purchased a bag of the candy at a local Walmart.

"Ah, very good... that's another buck ninety nine for us," said TRI president Ellen Gordon, as she observed the Dunn purchase on closed-circuit television at the company's Chicago headquarters. "With every bag of our delicious chocolate treats they buy, we only grow more powerful." Gordon then opened a bag of Tootsie Rolls and tossed a handful into the air, laughing maniacally."

Internet Overclocked Jesus Performs Miracles Faster BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, June 3, 2003
A group of bored students in Chicago overclocked Jesus so that he now performs miracles nearly twice as fast as before. Goran Radovich and Trey Gafney managed to overclock Jesus and keep him stable at a record 3.69 GHz....

(Read More...)

Hackers Put 'Bane' in Shadowbane BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, June 3, 2003
The horror, as horror so often does, began slowly … almost imperceptibly.

Late Tuesday evening, little things suddenly started to go very wrong in the virtual world of Shadowbane, a popular online multiplayer game.

Some players noticed that their money and weapons had suddenly vanished. A few whispered that tonight the monsters somehow seemed slightly bigger and meaner.

And then all hell broke loose.

Shadowbane had been hacked by several of its players. But unlike standard game hacks, where players gift themselves with super strength, health or wealth, these hackers managed to completely alter the rules of Shadowbane -- turning a suddenly wrathful game loose on its players. ...

(Read More...)

Internet Teen Sues to Sing About God at Public School Graduation BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, June 3, 2003
Rachel Honer's mom says: "I am incredibly proud that she has taken a stand and not backed down. God is number one in her life, so how could she talk about anything else?"

(Read More...)

Internet Today's "Jackass" Stunt: Teens Toss Mannequin From Overpass BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, June 3, 2003
Two teenagers were arrested after police said they threw a life-size mannequin from an overpass into oncoming traffic while videotaping the stunt. Herbert William Moul and Christopher Anthony Key, both 16, were each charged with throwing a deadly missile and other offenses...

(Read More...)

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