It began innocent enough, we wanted to prove to one another it wasn’t just about sex. We… I think maybe she would be more appropriate… decided an innocent meeting at a cemetery in a town halfway between us would be our best bet. Her reasoning, couples go to cemeteries and visit loved ones all the time… even though most of the time those loved ones are deceased…
Doomed, doomed, I tell you from the very start. I pull in behind her at the pre-arranged place. She gets out in a tank top and a neon skirt that left not much doubt about what was underneath. I’m in deep trouble. All I see is legs as she walks up to me. “What?! It’s not THAT short, it has shorts made up under it, see?” and she raises the skirt for confirmation… oh, that really helps !!… I make a valiant attempt as we tour the cemetery, but I find myself falling behind just a bit to enjoy the view… which did nothing for my composure, by the way… I finally lure her back to the car. Just one kiss and I knew I wasn’t going to keep up my end of the bargain. I told her about this pecan orchard I had seen on my way into town. She balked immediately, “No, no, we can’t do that. Let’s just get a room.” But no, I had told her we weren’t going to do that this trip and I meant to stick to my guns. A few more kisses and a little more pleading, I finally convinced her to give ‘parking’ in the orchard a try.
Why I continue to assume things, I’ll never know. She’s a little behind me when I turn into the orchard. I go back far enough so we won’t be seen from the highway and turn to go into a little bottom on the right. Though it was sunny that day, we had had a considerable amount of rain the week before, so I stayed close to the trees, keeping out of the marsh intrenched in the center. Unfortunately she was unaware of my tactics. My lusty lady friend decides to drive right down the center. I get out and look back to see her give her universal distress signal, flapping her hands frantically beside and in front of her face. I run over to see what has her in such a tizzy, but it becomes readily apparent the closer I get, She’s losing traction quickly. She is frantic, “Alex, you have got to get this thing out of here. We cannot get caught out here.” I console her best I can through my intermittent laughter and hop into the vehicle. I guess I should have prefaced this with the fact she had brought her daughter’s SUV… more on that later… I wanted to make sure the front wheels were straight, so I opened the door so I could see. Which was fine until my forward progress stopped and I had to put in reverse to try and get a better grip. I forgot to shut the door. I gunned it hard, showering me and the door with mud. I could hear her over the revving engine, “Oh my god, oh my god !!” and performing the distress signal once more. I finally got the truck to a clearing and out of the quagmire. I pulled the vehicle in front of my own to find her hysterical, but this time with laughter. We clean me and the interior as best we can. She is ready to leave right then. But I convince her, “Since we are already here…” After a few minutes of heavy petting, she says, “What are we going to do if someone catches us out here?” I look up and say, “I guess we are going to find out” as I notice a pickup coming from the back of the orchard heading our way.
“You’re kidding right?!” “Nope, ‘fraid not…”
I think… well hope… for a moment maybe he is going to continue on once he realizes it wasn’t some punks out drinking or vandalizing his orchard… other than the fifty yard rut we had dug… But I was wrong. He moseyed up beside us and rolled down his window and smirked, “Can I help you folks with something?” “No sir, we’re going to be on our way.” He nodded his approval and left us to recover our dignity. “I am not getting out of this car, you get M’s truck and I will follow you out.”
We head back to the cemetery and I finally get her settled down after she punches me around a bit and we can look at each other without laughing. “Well, what do you want to do now?” “Let’s get a room.” “That’s what I suggested in the first place…”
She walks out of the lobby and toward a car that she thinks is mine, notices two guys in the front seat and then realizes it’s not. We are walking up the stairs and I asked her where she was going when she came out of the lobby. “I thought it was you.” “But didn’t you see the other guy?” “Well yeah, but I thought you might have picked up a buddy… and I swear to you this came next… and I wasn’t sure I was ready for that yet.”
Back to the daughter’s SUV…
The next day after noticing the mud on and in her vehicle… hey, we tried but we couldn’t get it all, “Mama, what did you do last night, go mudbogging?” Her answer, “No, there was some construction at the theatre and I got it muddy there.” I kid you not…
Oh, I got busted too. It seems there were specks of mud all along the passenger side of my car as well. Of course, Drew noticed it. His response the same as M’s, “Dang Daddy, what did you do go mudbogging?” But my explanation, much more plausible, “No, ****** pulled off the road to talk to me and got stuck, so I had to get her out…”
“By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”