EVERYBODY RETARDED

The mental health community was stunned yesterday to learn that previous estimates of the rate of cognitive disability among the U.S. population came up drastically short, according to Highland High School Junior Kara Whitmere.

"Everyone is so retarded," declared Whitmere, while describing her being forced to run a mile in gym class. "Sheesh."...

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Experts had thought they had a fairly good estimate of the percentage of Americans living with some form of mental disability, which they believed hovered between three and five percent. Taking Kara's controversial findings into account will definitely skew the new figure. Surprisingly, some medical officials are embracing the new assessment.

"It's not uncommon for a high concentration of people with some form of cerebral retardation to congregate around something that makes them feel comfortable, which in this case was Kara," said Dr. John Carroway, head of neurological research at the Mayo Clinic. "I have that same issue with the guys down the hall who won't shut up about their cancer breakthrough. What a bunch of assholes."