In a news conference Sunday morning, noted religious leader and Teletubby avenger Jerry Falwell proclaimed that the act of masturbation violates the 6th Commandment, “Thou shalt not kill”.

In his prepared statement, the Reverend Falwell declared: “Every time a person ejaculates while masturbating, millions of sperm cells are released, each one representing a possible human life. Hence, male self-gratification is the equivalent of over a million counts of murder!”...