Sources today revealed an internal NFL memo, which picks the Super Bowl XXXVIII champion before the game is even played.

According to the memo, NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabu chose which teams would win in the playoff games based on a variety of factors. The teams were picked based on demographics, television ratings, focus group studies and other statistical information.

Referees help the winning team, and players on the opposite team are paid thousands to drop balls and miss tackles. The quarterbacks are specifically paid to throw interceptions and incomplete passes.

"Peyton was a success," states the memo. Apparently Peyton Manning was paid three million dollars to throw the game against the Patriots, with a guarantee from the league for another playoff run...

Some say democratic frontrunner Howard Dean must have cracked under the immense pressure of running a presidential campaign, while others say Dean was nothing short of brilliant in displaying his passionate support for Iowa’s corn farmers. Either way, historians say Dean is the first presidential candidate ever to call himself as the “The Great Cornholio” at a campaign event.

Less than two weeks before the Iowa caucuses, the bizarre incident occurred at a Future Farmers of America (FFA) “Rally for Corn” on a farm outside Iowa City. Having reportedly slammed a bag of Oreos and a six-pack of Cokes on his way to the event, Dean appeared impatient from the beginning as a local FFA youth leader took the podium and sounded off a list of important corn-related products, including “creamed corn, corn on the cob, ethanol, corn chowder, cornbread, corn oil, oleo, corn muffins . . . .”

“Oleo . . . Oleeoooo . . . Oleeeeooooo,” Dean interrupted before the young man could finish. “I am the Great Cornholio!”

“Uh, sir,” the young man tried to continue.

“Are you threatening me?” Dean asked, loosening his tie and pulling his dress shirt over his head. “I am Cornholio,” Dean persisted, furiously shaking his arms as he began to walk toward a nearby cornfield. “You cannot get polio from oleo, I must have another Oreo.” ...

Save the Hubble! I know, I know, it's an internet petition... but it's to save the Hubble Telescope! That's worth a minute out of your day.

In a stunning victory today, Stick-Figure-Man (S-F-M) won his decades long lawsuit against the world. Experts predict that the reward he'll earn for copyright infringement and libel will be in the high billions if not trillions.

Anyone who has drawn him without the expressed written permission of himself and/or Stick-Figure-World will be forced to pay monetary damages. Those being forced to pay will include doodlers, Flash animation artists, safety label manufacturers, Aborigines (and their ancestors), spoof news sites, cross-walk sign makers, and most of all, little children.

A retraction and public apology will be demanded as well...

A rare feathered visitor to Britain survived a grueling 15-hour journey from Norway, only to be eaten by a birdwatcher's cat on arrival.

The cat's owner wrote to a bird charity to report the unusual sight of a Norwegian robin in her garden in the north of England -- but she had to confess it was dead in her cat's mouth at the time.

The unlucky bird was one of only 30 Scandinavian robins known to have made the 400-mile flight to Britain since 1919...

Hey kids! If your Mom and Dad didn't buy you a PlayStation 2 for Christmas, you can still get one FOR FREE! Have you ever heard of Jesus Christ? Well, He's heard of you! And He wants you to have all the cool toys your parents are too cheap to buy! In fact, the Lord Jesus is very upset with your parents that they didn't give you all the latest stuff that every kid in America deserves! And Jesus has got your back, because He is your homeboy! If you've never heard of Jesus, He is an invisible cloud-dwelling deity (infinite lives!) who loves you very much and wants nothing more than to give you a free PlayStation 2!