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Archives: June 2003

Thu Jun 26, 2003

Irrational News RIAA Threatens Orgy of Lawsuits BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 26, 03 | 9:01 am

Lawyers for the recording-industry trade group could be busy this summer, suing hundreds of people caught distributing copyright songs over the Internet. The RIAA threat is aimed at anyone swapping illegally gotten music. Even you...



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Irrational Satire Frito Lay to Offer Fuller-Fat Versions of Popular Snacks BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 26, 03 | 7:46 am

In a rare and unprecedented marketing move, Frito Lay announced today the launch of its new, Fuller-Fat line of snacks including Extreme-Fat Doritos, Extra-Saturated Lays in original and sour cream and onion flavors and Ruffles Extra-Fat BBQ Potato Chips. All of the new Fuller-Fat snacks will be fried in re-used cottonseed, palm, and coconut oils, which have saturated fats.

This new product line is the result of a nationwide boycott of Frito Lay products by obese Americans after the September 24, 2002 announcement of the elimination of all trans fats from America’s favorite salty snacks....



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Irrational News Kazaa Unveils P2P Software Upgrade BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 26, 03 | 7:42 am

Kazaa owner Sharman Networks has launched a new version of its peer-to-peer file sharing software, release 2.5.

The new version expands the number of licensed content channels on offer - Sharman seems very keen to stress its role as purveyor of official content, these days - and incorporates Sharman partner Altnet's Peer Points Manager, "a global loyalty and incentive application that rewards users for sharing licensed content". It's a kind of air miles ('share miles'?) for peer-to-peer users, who will supposedly be able to redeem points for more licensed content and "chances to win" other items.



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Tue Jun 24, 2003

Irrational Satire "Dot-Sux" Domains a Virtual Sell-Out BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 24, 03 | 9:17 am

One the few success stories in an otherwise floundering Internet, dot-sux (.sux) domain names have already sold out - less than one day after being made available.

Unlike the dot-com suffix, which took more than a decade to reach critical mass, dot-sux was literally an overnight sensation.

The most obvious targets - like aol.sux and microsoft.sux - were snatched up within moments, as were public figures like georgewbush.sux and celinedion.sux. General terms like highschool.sux and mylife.sux were also quick sellers. Then there were the more creative variations like thematrixreloadedreallyreally.sux.

But the real stampede, people registering proper names, came as somewhat of a surprise...



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Irrational Satire OBITUARY: Irony (500 BC - 2003) Is Dead BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 24, 03 | 9:14 am

Irony, the often used theatrical and literary device, died this weekend after a long illness.

Reaction to Irony's death was immediate.

“Serves him right,” said Scorn.

“He always got far more attention than I did. Plus he had a nicer house, a bigger car and smarter kids,” chimed Envy.

“This is tragedy unlike any other. I don't think the world has ever experienced a loss like the one it has just now. He meant so much to everyone,” mused Bathos.


The onetime favorite tool of coffeehouse wits, Irony had had to endure difficult times of late, most notably the candidacy of Michael Dukakis.

President Bush was also notified of the news while at Camp David over the weekend. “Who's I. Ronny?” the president said in an official statement issued through the White House.

Courtesy of Chortler.com



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Irrational Satire Jerry Falwell: "Masturbation Is Murder" BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 24, 03 | 9:09 am

In a news conference Sunday morning, noted religious leader and Teletubby avenger Jerry Falwell proclaimed that the act of masturbation violates the 6th Commandment, “Thou shalt not kill”.

In his prepared statement, the Reverend Falwell declared: “Every time a person ejaculates while masturbating, millions of sperm cells are released, each one representing a possible human life. Hence, male self-gratification is the equivalent of over a million counts of murder!”...



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Irrational Obscurity Is it Live, or Memorex CGI ? BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 24, 03 | 9:04 am

Take a look at these ten images. Some of them are photographs of real objects or scenes, others are created by computer graphics (CG) artists. Test your ability to tell which among the array of images are real, and which are CG. If you want a closer look, click the image to see a larger view of the picture. Once you've decided what's what, click either CG or REAL to begin the tally of your score. Work through each of the ten images. When you've finished, you'll be prompted to get your score."



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Thu Jun 19, 2003

Irrational Satire 'Watermelon Capital Of World' Claim Goes Unchallenged BAR-ENDER
Posted by: Boomer on Jun 19, 03 | 9:47 am

CORDELE, GA—For the 15th year in a row, Cordele has retained the title of "Watermelon Capital of the World"—despite a clear lack of evidence that its melons are the biggest, best, or most abundant. "We really expected Knox City, TX, to step up to the plate this year and give us a run for our money," said Mona Simmons, president of the Cordele-Crisp Chamber of Commerce. "Thankfully, they seem content just being the Seedless Watermelon Capital of the World."



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Irrational News Some Bad Raps for Non-Hacks BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 19, 03 | 9:45 am

A few odd cases show that you don't have be a digital desparado to be accused of a cybercrime... particularly if you embarrass the wrong bureaucrats.

Some recent (and not so recent) cases illustrate how computer security professionals and well intentioned whistle-blowers face a genuine risk of running afoul of computer crime statutes simply for forgetting to ask the right person, "May I?," before doing a computer security assessment..



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Irrational Obscurity DADD (Dating Attention Deficit Disorder) BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 19, 03 | 9:32 am

Definition:

A common disorder in which the other partner of a pair "dating" or spending time together whom are mutually attracted to each other but can not commit or make definitive decisions on what they want or expect from the other party. Quite common in the age range of 18 - 24 for both males and females.

Side effects of condition:

A feeling of vast confusion on the part of the opposite party involved with DADD. Creates a lack of formation of meaningful relationships which may lead to ISADD, ICSLUT, NTTTD, IJARD if not treated efficiently.

Some possible treatments to this disorder include: ...



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Irrational Satire HARRY POTTER THIEVES SPOIL BOOK’S ENDING BAR-ENDER
Posted by: Boomer on Jun 19, 03 | 9:24 am

Reveal Key Plot Twist During Nine-hour Interrogation
British police today nabbed thieves who stole thousands of copies of the latest Harry Potter book from a warehouse in Merseyside, but were devastated when the thieves spoiled the book’s ending during a nine-hour interrogation.

The police had tracked the thieves to an abandoned garden shed in suburban Liverpool where they found the perpetrators engrossed in reading J.K. Rowling’s latest installment, “Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.”...



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Tue Jun 17, 2003

Irrational Obscurity Free Online Diploma BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 17, 03 | 10:07 am

Couldn't quite cut it this time around ? Came up a few credits short? Never fear !!! We here at IN have the perfect solution for you.

No more all-nighters. No more finals. Just click on our Free Online Diploma link and we'll do the rest...



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Irrational News Take the Pepsi Challenge; Lose Your Job BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 17, 03 | 10:04 am

The Teamsters Union said Friday that it doesn't believe a delivery driver in California was fired by the Coca-Cola Bottling Co. because he drank a Pepsi on the job -- the reason the company gave, the union said.

Instead, the union contends, Rick Bronson was fired for promoting the union to non-union employees.

Coke denies that claim...



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Irrational Satire Monkeypox Mercifully Ends Plague of Acronyms BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 17, 03 | 10:01 am

The years long plague of naming newly discovered diseases using sterile acronyms such as, SIDS, AIDS and SARS has finally been broken with the discovery of the new disease Monkeypox, which broke out in the Midwest early this week.

“With Monkeypox, we’re seeing a return to the creativity that gave us Mad Cow, German Measles, Whooping Cough, and Crabs. It’s been a long, dry run for disease, and I’m personally glad to see the spell ended.” Said CDC chief Dr. Julie Gerberding. “And I’d like to say to anyone out there fortunate enough to name a new disease: It’s not always easy, but including the name of an animal is a sure bet.”



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Irrational News VH 1's 'Greatest Songs' List Bound to Stir BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 17, 03 | 9:58 am

Start a list, start a fight.

Music cable network VH1 has anointed the "100 Greatest Songs From the Past 25 Years," and wouldn't you know, some people are taking exception to the choices.

Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time" ranked above Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA?" Celine Dion's "My Heart Will Go On" greater than the Clash's "London Calling?" Britney Spears over Marvin Gaye, Snoop Dogg, Radiohead and the Ramones?

As one kvetcher (among many) on VH1's online message boards recently wrote: "VH1 smokes crack." That was alongside other attacks on the song list, including "useless," "pathetic" and "This is more than insulting, this is a farce."...



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Irrational Satire Ford, GM Develop Competing Billboard Blocking Technologies BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 17, 03 | 9:56 am

Automobile manufacturers are emulating ad blocking software for the Internet by developing billboard blocking technology for cars, trucks and SUVs.

Ford and GM have taken different approaches in billboard blocking technology...



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Thu Jun 12, 2003

Irrational Obscurity Father's Day Gift: You're on the Right Trac BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 12, 03 | 10:17 am

I think I overheard my offspring discussing getting dear old Dad a toolbox for Father's Day. So, ithought I might hint at the bare necessities it should have. Electricity? A fuel tank? A computer? A built-in vacuum cleaner? A radio?

Of course, for a true man's man toolbox, I'll have to be able to cook steaks on it.



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Irrational Satire Doctors Reveal Bush Using Corked Vice-President BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 12, 03 | 10:12 am

Washington D.C. - Americans, still reeling after Sammy Sosa was ejected from a baseball game for using a corked bat, now have another corking story to face. Doctors at the Bethesda Naval Hospital announced that a routine brain scan of Vice-president Dick Cheney revealed that he was corked...



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Irrational News Irrational Fun with Science BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 12, 03 | 10:10 am

I stumbled across the Science Toys site on one of my numerous forays on the web. Author Simon Field presents well conceived plans for outstanding science projects such as a simplistic electric motor and an easy-to-make gauss rifle. I tried my hand with the film can cannon and found it worked nicely. A well crafted site that will entertain kids, or immature adults like me, for days...



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Tue Jun 10, 2003

Irrational Satire Man Breaks Out Dating Boxers BAR-ENDER
Posted by: Boomer on Jun 10, 03 | 10:24 am

Having secured a date for the first time in seven months, IN Admin Alex Dunn removed his dating boxers from the bottom of his dresser Saturday.

"No tighty-whities for me tonight," said Dunn, taking off a pair of dingy Putitan briefs and slipping on the blue Calvin Klein boxers with a small, understated white "CK" logo near the bottom of the right leg.

"A girl might actually see me in my underwear." Dunn added that if the date goes well and future encounters with the woman seem likely, he will purchase a three-pack of boxers.

Oh man, my Dad's gonna kill me for this one...



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Irrational Obscurity Grinding Nemo...No, It's NOT What You Think !!! BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 10, 03 | 10:22 am

Kids be warned: Flushing your pet fish down the drain will not send it safely into the ocean as depicted in the movie "Finding Nemo."

A company that manufactures equipment used to process sewage issued a press release Thursday warning that drain pipes do lead to the ocean -- eventually -- but first the fluid goes through powerful machines that "shred solids into tiny particles."

"In truth, no one would ever find Nemo and the movie would be called 'Grinding Nemo,"' wrote the JWC Environmental company, which makes the trademarked "Muffin Monster" shredding pumps.

In the unlikely event Nemo survived the deadly machines, the company added, he would probably be killed by the chlorine disinfection.



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Irrational News How to Live Large, and Largely For Free. My Kind of Job... BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 10, 03 | 10:18 am

Jennifer Voitle gets paid to shop, eat at restaurants, drink at bars, travel and even play golf. Last month, she made nearly $7,000 from her various freebie adventures. By the end of the year, she could be making more than she did in investment banking, not counting her steady supply of handouts...



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Thu Jun 05, 2003

Irrational Satire Change Would Be Good...PLEASE ?! BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 05, 03 | 10:30 am

Unfortunately, Amber Hammock of Plains, GA has discovered that newly found beau, IR's own Drew Dunn, is hopelessly addicted to Ice Breakers Breath Mints.

"I don't really mind the freshness of his breath, but the cool mint flavor is getting a little old", Hammock said as she presented him with a fresh wintergreen flavor tin.

Ms Hammock has petitioned Hershey's for more flavor selections, but has yet to see any results. However through IR's inside connections, we have discovered the candy giant plans to market a new Ice Breakers Unleashed, supposedly supercharged with extra flavor crystals for extra fresh breath. Kudos to Amber for enhancing Hershey's marketing stragedy...



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Irrational Satire Bassist Unaware Rock Band Christian BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 05, 03 | 10:29 am

Brad Rolen, the new bassist for Pillar Of Salt, remains oblivious to the fact that he is in a Christian rock band, sources reported Tuesday.

"Pillar's great," said Rolen, 22, who is unaware of his bandmates' devotion to Christ, despite playing on such songs as "Wade In The Water," "Eternal Life," and "Kiss Of The Betrayer." "We rock really heavy and hard, but we've got a positivity that you don't see in too many bands these days. I've only been with these guys for three months, but I feel like it's the perfect fit for me."...



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Irrational Satire Candy Purchase Nets Yet More Money For Tootsie Roll's Bloated Coffers BAR-ENDER
Posted by: Boomer on Jun 05, 03 | 10:27 am

Americus, GA—The already overflowing coffers of Tootsie Roll Industries were further fattened Wednesday, when Americus resident, Crystal (C J) Dunn, purchased a bag of the candy at a local Walmart.

"Ah, very good... that's another buck ninety nine for us," said TRI president Ellen Gordon, as she observed the Dunn purchase on closed-circuit television at the company's Chicago headquarters. "With every bag of our delicious chocolate treats they buy, we only grow more powerful." Gordon then opened a bag of Tootsie Rolls and tossed a handful into the air, laughing maniacally."



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Tue Jun 03, 2003

Irrational Satire Overclocked Jesus Performs Miracles Faster BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 03, 03 | 10:56 am

A group of bored students in Chicago overclocked Jesus so that he now performs miracles nearly twice as fast as before. Goran Radovich and Trey Gafney managed to overclock Jesus and keep him stable at a record 3.69 GHz...



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Irrational News Hackers Put 'Bane' in Shadowbane BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 03, 03 | 10:37 am

The horror, as horror so often does, began slowly … almost imperceptibly.

Late Tuesday evening, little things suddenly started to go very wrong in the virtual world of Shadowbane, a popular online multiplayer game.

Some players noticed that their money and weapons had suddenly vanished. A few whispered that tonight the monsters somehow seemed slightly bigger and meaner.


And then all hell broke loose.

Shadowbane had been hacked by several of its players. But unlike standard game hacks, where players gift themselves with super strength, health or wealth, these hackers managed to completely alter the rules of Shadowbane -- turning a suddenly wrathful game loose on its players...



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Irrational News Teen Sues to Sing About God at Public School Graduation BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on Jun 03, 03 | 10:35 am

Rachel Honer's mom says: "I am incredibly proud that she has taken a stand and not backed down. God is number one in her life, so how could she talk about anything else?"...



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Irrational Obscurity Today's "Jackass" Stunt: Teens Toss Mannequin From Overpass BAR-ENDER
Posted by: Boomer on Jun 03, 03 | 10:33 am

Two teenagers were arrested after police said they threw a life-size mannequin from an overpass into oncoming traffic while videotaping the stunt. Herbert William Moul and Christopher Anthony Key, both 16, were each charged with throwing a deadly missile and other offenses...



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