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Archives: May 2003

Thu May 29, 2003

Irrational News Whoopie-Cushion Ring Tones Big Bizness BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 29, 03 | 10:15 am

Your mobile phone can now ring by making rude noises, talking like your favorite Star Wars character or piping a tune from a Santana song. And the companies that make these downloadable ring tones are doing quite well...



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Irrational Obscurity Overclocked Jesus Performs Miracles Faster BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 29, 03 | 10:12 am

A group of bored students in Chicago overclocked Jesus so that he now performs miracles nearly twice as fast as before. Goran Radovich and Trey Gafney managed to overclock Jesus and keep him stable at a record 3.69 GHz....



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Tue May 27, 2003

Irrational News "Hello ?! God, Are You There?" BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 27, 03 | 10:17 am

Actually, if you call the number featured in the new movie, Bruce Almighty, the person who answers may not be very forgiving...



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Thu May 22, 2003

Irrational Satire Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 22, 03 | 10:21 am

WASHINGTON, DC--Unveiling its newest weapon in the fight against terrorism Monday, the Department of Homeland Security announced the deputization of Rufus, a big ol' mongrel ornery enough to make Al Qaeda think twice about carrying out an attack against the U.S. ...



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Irrational News MS Chat and the US Army BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 22, 03 | 10:20 am

Although a very interesting article on the logistics behind networking an entire battlefield - this bit worried me slightly:- "What's funny about using Microsoft Chat," he adds with a sly smile, "is that everybody has to choosean icon to represent themselves. Some of these guys haven't bothered, so the program assigns them one. We'll be in the middle of a battle and a bunch of field artillery colonels will come online in the form of these big-breasted blondes. We've got a few space aliens, too."



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Irrational Obscurity Armed Man Forces Mom to Write $50,000 Check BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 22, 03 | 10:19 am

Justin Goldstucker, 18, is accused of telling his mother: "You're going to write me a check for $50,000 and I'm not going to kill you." He pulled a gun and forced his parents into the kitchen, but during a struggle with his mother he dropped the weapon and she realized it was a fake gun. He then pulled a knife, and the mom wrote out a personal check for $50,000...



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Tue May 20, 2003

Irrational News Now THIS is a PRANK !!! BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 20, 03 | 10:28 am

Nearly two dozen high school seniors - many of them honor students - are in trouble for smearing horse manure, sardines and tuna fish over their school walls and doors.

The principal says: "Every entranceway had horse manure, sardines and prunes on it. They had smeared sardines or tuna fish on the walls in the hallway, so it smelled. It was just a disgusting mess to get through." ...



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Irrational Obscurity Teen Charged With Feeding Cat to Gator BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 20, 03 | 10:27 am

The 14-year-old was arrested Friday on police charges of felony cruelty to animals and theft of the cat. He was also charged with feeding an alligator.

Finally someone has found a use for cats..



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Irrational Obscurity Pie in a Jar BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 20, 03 | 10:25 am

Just when you thought
weebl and bob had the market cornered...



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Irrational Obscurity The Shallowing of American Taste BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 20, 03 | 10:23 am

First tastebuds and palates fall to McDonalds, now the eyes, ears, and minds fall to Wal-Mart, according to this NY Times article (free registration required)...

"The growing clout of Wal-Mart and the other big discount chains ? they now often account for more than 50 percent of the sales of a best-selling album, more than 40 percent for a best-selling book, and more than 60 percent for a best-selling DVD -- has bent American popular culture toward the tastes of their relatively traditionalist customers...But with the chains' power has come criticism from authors, musicians and civil liberties groups who argue that the stores are in effect censoring and homogenizing popular culture. The discounters and price clubs typically carry an assortment of fewer than a thousand books, videos and albums, and they are far more ruthless than specialized stores about returning goods if they fail to meet a minimum threshold of weekly sales."
Add in Clear Channel Radio and sanitized text books, and all I can say is that the internet has come along at the time it's needed. With the fingers of big commerce all over our culture, the web can serve to reverse an old mega-trend to "high-touch, high-tech." With Wal-Mart, et al, touching our minds, we need to resort to tech to add some depth and breath to their narrow and shallow offerings



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Thu May 15, 2003

Irrational News 'A Modest Proposal' Prof Plans Probe of Earth’s Core BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 15, 03 | 10:33 am

A Caltech scientist's ambitious plan would blast a fissure to the center of the planet. Then a data-gathering device would ride in an envelope of molten iron, unraveling some of geology's most vexing mysteries along the way...



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Irrational Obscurity Might This be the Least Imaginative Senior Prank of the Season? BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 15, 03 | 10:31 am

Six guys drove tractors to school. Yawn...



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Irrational Obscurity Nine Georgia Players Ineligible for Selling Rings BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 15, 03 | 10:30 am

Nine Georgia football players, including six projected starters, have been declared ineligible for selling their 2002 SEC championship rings, Georgia athletics director Vince Dooley said Wednesday evening. Well, what do you expect ?!...



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Tue May 13, 2003

Irrational News Fizzer Worm Wallops World BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 13, 03 | 10:35 am

The virus affects computers running Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows Me, Windows NT, Windows 2000, and Windows XP. It doesn't affect Macs or Linux/Unix machines...



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Sat May 03, 2003

Irrational Obscurity Search for Klingon Interpreter Called Off BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 03, 03 | 10:39 am

County officials had previously said that no patient had ever come in speaking only Klingon, but that the county would pay a Klingon interpreter in the unlikely case one was actually needed...



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Irrational Satire Microsoft Makes Mice Smaller BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 03, 03 | 10:37 am

Microsoft is once again a step ahead in the race to discover and fulfil the needs of its customers. Their newest device, which they hope to release early this summer and discontinue by 2004, will hopefully replace the mouse or touchpad for laptop users.

"It's funny we haven't thought about this before," one customer service representative commented. "We realize that space is a crucial issue in computers, especially laptops. The Beetle will save at least six cubic inches of space, and if your laptop comes in a skin-tight case, that's a significant amount." Touchpads and trackballs, she said "are no longer status symbols; everyone knows how annoying they are."



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Thu May 01, 2003

Irrational Satire South Dakota Asked To Water North Dakota's Crops Over The Weekend BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 01, 03 | 10:48 am

BISMARCK, ND—Seeking a neighborly favor Monday, North Dakota Gov. John Hoeven asked South Dakota to water his state's crops this upcoming weekend while he and the rest of North Dakota goes on vacation. "If you could just turn on the state's irrigation systems around noon every day for about an hour, that'd be great," Hoeven said. "Oh, and just grab the mail and the newspapers, too, if you don't mind." Hoeven also left South Dakota with the phone numbers of neighbor states Minnesota and Montana in the event of an emergency.



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Irrational News Grocery Shopper/Crook Picks Wrong Line BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 01, 03 | 10:46 am

Sav-A-Center cashier and crime victim Gennifer Robinson knew her customer was trying to cash a forged check. Robinson immediately recognized the distinctive Looney Tunes background from her own checkbook, which had been stolen from her car along with her purse five days earlier. On top of that: "She handed me my own driver's license," says Robinson...



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Irrational Satire Cyrano at Your Lovelorn Service BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 01, 03 | 10:44 am

When it comes to love letters, often what's intended to read like a Shakespearean sonnet comes off like a Viagra commercial. Now there are two websites that offer help to lovers struggling to put their feelings into words.

Not what you expect from this site I know. Just trying to inconspicuously help out a lovelorn friend. Oops...



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Irrational Obscurity Wanna be a Joe Somebody ?! BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 01, 03 | 10:43 am

Are you being bullied at work? Would you like to fight back? Finally, a site "dedicated to advancing the understanding
of workplace bullies and providing the tools to defeat them." (Testimonials too!)

WARNING TO USERS:
While kickbully.com is intended to guide you to a better life,
we take no responsibility for anything bad that happens as a result
of applying the attitudes and techniques provided in this web site.



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Irrational Satire Restaurant Patron Seeking Corroboration That Soda Is Not Diet BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 01, 03 | 10:42 am

Americus, GA—While eating lunch at the The Station Monday, a suspicious Sandy McIlrath sought confirmation from her lunch companions that the beverage in her glass was regular Coke and not diet. "Does this taste like diet to you?" asked Sandy, who ordered a Diet Coke, before handing the drink to Crystal McChargue. "This tastes like regular to me." After passing the drink to two other people at the table for sampling, Sandy said she was "70 percent sure" the soda was regular and sent it back.



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Irrational News Mutating SARS Keeps Docs Sweating BAR-ENDER
Posted by: on May 01, 03 | 10:40 am

As researchers search for a vaccine or treatment for the SARS virus, they've discovered the virus' genome is changing rapidly. But they disagree about whether these mutations will make treating the disease easier or more difficult...



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