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Internet Overclocked Jesus Performs Miracles Faster BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, May 29, 2003
A group of bored students in Chicago overclocked Jesus so that he now performs miracles nearly twice as fast as before. Goran Radovich and Trey Gafney managed to overclock Jesus and keep him stable at a record 3.69 GHz....

(Read More...)

Whoopie-Cushion Ring Tones Big Bizness BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, May 27, 2003
Your mobile phone can now ring by making rude noises, talking like your favorite Star Wars character or piping a tune from a Santana song. And the companies that make these downloadable ring tones are doing quite well...

(Read More...)

Internet "Hello ?! God, Are You There?" BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, May 27, 2003
Actually, if you call the number featured in the new movie, Bruce Almighty, the person who answers may not be very forgiving...

(Read More...)

Internet Armed Man Forces Mom to Write $50,000 Check BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, May 22, 2003
Justin Goldstucker, 18, is accused of telling his mother: "You're going to write me a check for $50,000 and I'm not going to kill you." He pulled a gun and forced his parents into the kitchen, but during a struggle with his mother he dropped the weapon and she realized it was a fake gun. He then pulled a knife, and the mom wrote out a personal check for $50,000...

(Read More...)

Internet MS Chat and the US Army BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, May 22, 2003
Although a very interesting article on the logistics behind networking an entire battlefield - this bit worried me slightly:- "What's funny about using Microsoft Chat," he adds with a sly smile, "is that everybody has to choosean icon to represent themselves. Some of these guys haven't bothered, so the program assigns them one. We'll be in the middle of a battle and a bunch of field artillery colonels will come online in the form of these big-breasted blondes. We've got a few space aliens, too."

(Read More...)

Internet Department Of Homeland Security Deputizes Real Mean Dog BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, May 22, 2003
WASHINGTON, DC--Unveiling its newest weapon in the fight against terrorism Monday, the Department of Homeland Security announced the deputization of Rufus, a big ol' mongrel ornery enough to make Al Qaeda think twice about carrying out an attack against the U.S. ...

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Internet The Shallowing of American Taste BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, May 20, 2003
First tastebuds and palates fall to McDonalds, now the eyes, ears, and minds fall to Wal-Mart, according to this NY Times article (free registration required)...
"The growing clout of Wal-Mart and the other big discount chains ? they now often account for more than 50 percent of the sales of a best-selling album, more than 40 percent for a best-selling book, and more than 60 percent for a best-selling DVD -- has bent American popular culture toward the tastes of their relatively traditionalist customers...But with the chains' power has come criticism from authors, musicians and civil liberties groups who argue that the stores are in effect censoring and homogenizing popular culture. The discounters and price clubs typically carry an assortment of fewer than a thousand books, videos and albums, and they are far more ruthless than specialized stores about returning goods if they fail to meet a minimum threshold of weekly sales."
Add in Clear Channel Radio and sanitized text books, and all I can say is that the internet has come along at the time it's needed. With the fingers of big commerce all over our culture, the web can serve to reverse an old mega-trend to "high-touch, high-tech." With Wal-Mart, et al, touching our minds, we need to resort to tech to add some depth and breath to their narrow and shallow offerings.

(Read More...)

Internet Pie in a Jar BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Just when you thought weebl and bob had the market cornered...

(Read More...)

Teen Charged With Feeding Cat to Gator BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, May 20, 2003
The 14-year-old was arrested Friday on police charges of felony cruelty to animals and theft of the cat. He was also charged with feeding an alligator.

Finally someone has found a use for cats...

(Read More...)

Posted by on Tuesday, May 20, 2003
Nearly two dozen high school seniors - many of them honor students - are in trouble for smearing horse manure, sardines and tuna fish over their school walls and doors.

The principal says: "Every entranceway had horse manure, sardines and prunes on it. They had smeared sardines or tuna fish on the walls in the hallway, so it smelled. It was just a disgusting mess to get through." ...

(Read More...)

Internet Nine Georgia Players Ineligible for Selling Rings BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, May 15, 2003
Nine Georgia football players, including six projected starters, have been declared ineligible for selling their 2002 SEC championship rings, Georgia athletics director Vince Dooley said Wednesday evening. Well, what do you expect ?!...

(Read More...)

Internet Might This be the Least Imaginative Senior Prank of the Season? BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, May 15, 2003
Six guys drove tractors to school. Yawn...

(Read More...)

Science 'A Modest Proposal' Prof Plans Probe of Earth’s Core BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, May 15, 2003
A Caltech scientist's ambitious plan would blast a fissure to the center of the planet. Then a data-gathering device would ride in an envelope of molten iron, unraveling some of geology's most vexing mysteries along the way...

(Read More...)

Internet Fizzer Worm Wallops World BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, May 13, 2003
The virus affects computers running Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows Me, Windows NT, Windows 2000, and Windows XP. It doesn't affect Macs or Linux/Unix machines...

(Read More...)

Microsoft Makes Mice Smaller BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, May 6, 2003
Microsoft is once again a step ahead in the race to discover and fulfil the needs of its customers. Their newest device, which they hope to release early this summer and discontinue by 2004, will hopefully replace the mouse or touchpad for laptop users.

"It's funny we haven't thought about this before," one customer service representative commented. "We realize that space is a crucial issue in computers, especially laptops. The Beetle will save at least six cubic inches of space, and if your laptop comes in a skin-tight case, that's a significant amount." Touchpads and trackballs, she said "are no longer status symbols; everyone knows how annoying they are."

The Beetle is sturdy and sleek, combining the accuracy of a mouse and the size of a lima bean. So far, testing has been remarkably successful. The only drawback is that it can be very hard to avoid clicking both right and left buttons simultaneously. Large-fingered testers have reported an added inability to use the scrolling wheel between the buttons without moving the whole device. A prototype for a future cordless Beetle has been made, and Microsoft plans to advertise it as "small enough to accidentally swallow."

Microsoft hoped to name their new product "The Beatle," hoping to appeal to baby-boomers, but the owners of that registered name would only permit it to be used if the device were packaged with a full-sized poster of Paul McCartney that polled customers found offensive. According to their latest press release, Microsoft will continue to use the name "Beetle" and hope that no one asks about the spelling.

Search for Klingon Interpreter Called Off BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, May 1, 2003
County officials had previously said that no patient had ever come in speaking only Klingon, but that the county would pay a Klingon interpreter in the unlikely case one was actually needed...

(Read More...)

Science Mutating SARS Keeps Docs Sweating BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, May 6, 2003
As researchers search for a vaccine or treatment for the SARS virus, they've discovered the virus' genome is changing rapidly. But they disagree about whether these mutations will make treating the disease easier or more difficult...

(Read More...)

Restaurant Patron Seeking Corroboration That Soda Is Not Diet BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, May 6, 2003
Americus, GA—While eating lunch at the The Station Monday, a suspicious Sandy McIlrath sought confirmation from her lunch companions that the beverage in her glass was regular Coke and not diet. "Does this taste like diet to you?" asked Sandy, who ordered a Diet Coke, before handing the drink to Crystal McChargue. "This tastes like regular to me." After passing the drink to two other people at the table for sampling, Sandy said she was "70 percent sure" the soda was regular and sent it back.

Huh?! Wanna be a Joe Somebody ?! BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, May 6, 2003
Are you being bullied at work? Would you like to fight back? Finally, a site "dedicated to advancing the understanding of workplace bullies and providing the tools to defeat them." (Testimonials too!)

WARNING TO USERS: While kickbully.com is intended to guide you to a better life, we take no responsibility for anything bad that happens as a result of applying the attitudes and techniques provided in this web site.

Romance Cyrano at Your Lovelorn Service BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, May 1, 2003
When it comes to love letters, often what's intended to read like a Shakespearean sonnet comes off like a Viagra commercial. Now there are two websites that offer help to lovers struggling to put their feelings into words.

Not what you expect from this site I know. Just trying to inconspicuously help out a lovelorn friend. Oops...

(Read More...)

Doh Grocery Shopper/Crook Picks Wrong Line BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, May 1, 2003
Sav-A-Center cashier and crime victim Gennifer Robinson knew her customer was trying to cash a forged check. Robinson immediately recognized the distinctive Looney Tunes background from her own checkbook, which had been stolen from her car along with her purse five days earlier. On top of that: "She handed me my own driver's license," says Robinson...

(Read More...)

South Dakota Asked To Water North Dakota's Crops Over The Weekend BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, May 1, 2003
BISMARCK, ND—Seeking a neighborly favor Monday, North Dakota Gov. John Hoeven asked South Dakota to water his state's crops this upcoming weekend while he and the rest of North Dakota goes on vacation. "If you could just turn on the state's irrigation systems around noon every day for about an hour, that'd be great," Hoeven said. "Oh, and just grab the mail and the newspapers, too, if you don't mind." Hoeven also left South Dakota with the phone numbers of neighbor states Minnesota and Montana in the event of an emergency.

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