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Peace LaffMaster 1.0 Generating Satire during Staff Holiday BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, December 26, 2002
The staff of Irrational Noise... is taking a well-deserved vacation. But while we're away, LaffMaster 1.0, a new and revolutionary CAS (Comedy Automation Software) will keep the site updated with the very best in political satire and pop culture parody...


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Georgia Area Woman Has No Idea What She Went Downstairs For BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, December 26, 2002
Oglethorpe, GA—Thirty seconds after descending the stairs, Jean Dunn, age ??, announced she had no clue what she went downstairs for. "I don't think it was to get something," Dunn said. "I think it might have been to check on something." Dunn said that if she cannot recall her purpose in the next minute, she will return to the bedroom and try to reconstruct the train of thought that led to the mysterious task. "I'm thinking it had something to do with the kitchen," Dunn said. "I have this picture of the pantry junk-drawer in my mind."


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Huh?! Got a Town to Sell? Try E-Bay" BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, December 26, 2002
A good chunk of Bridgeville, California, a quiet town about 260 miles north of San Francisco, is on the chopping block: It's up for bid on eBay...


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Space Space.com's Top 10 Pic(k)s for the 2002. BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Saturday, December 21, 2002
These photos and artist renderings are the best scientific space images that appeared during 2002, according to the editors of Space.com. Sometimes it...


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Science Study: Stem Cells Could Bypass Ethical Quagmire BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Sunday, December 22, 2002
Researchers say it's possible to harvest and reprogram the cells from the patients themselves instead of fetuses...


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Huh?! "Is That a Monkey in Your Pocket or Are You Just Glad to see Me?!" BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Sunday, December 22, 2002
A man who smuggled a pair of endangered pygmy monkeys into the US in his trousers, has been sentenced to 57 days in jail...


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And You Thought all Those Spelling Test Were a Complete Waste of Time... BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Saturday, December 21, 2002
Poor-Spelling Children Pay Dearly for "Letters to Satan"

The nation's educational crisis has taken a poignant twist this Christmas, as thousands of poor-spelling children have unwittingly addressed their "Letters to Santa" to Satan and suffered tragic consequences. Ten-year-old Sandra Ryder mistakenly asked Satan for a pony and was trampled to death by the Budweiser Clydesdales at a football game. In Minnesota, six-year-old Timmy Jones, hoping for a TonkaTM fire-truck, was killed in a four-alarm blaze that a whole company of bright, shiny pumpers could not extinguish. And hundreds of children asking Satan for Legos have found themselves buried alive inside colorful, pricey tombs made of the famous inter-locking bricks.

Postmaster General, Raine Sleet-Snow, has spent most of the past week scrambling to defend her employees: "Look, we just deliver the mail. The return bestowal of gifts, or alternatively, an eternity of hellfire and torment is left up to the recipient." She continued, "My advice is for everyone to work on their spelling. We've seen quite a few letters to 'Santa, Reaver of Souls' lately, and I'm sure Kris Kringle has no idea what to do with the talismans and chicken guts he's getting."...


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Holiday Santa a Hot Ticket at Phipps Plaza BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Saturday, December 21, 2002
Getting in to see Santa Claus at Phipps Plaza apparently is tougher than scoring seats at the Sugar Bowl. A college-age female friend of Buzz reports that she was approached by a woman seeking to hire a line-sitter to wait for tickets to see the Phipps jolly old elf...


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World I Say...We Mucked up the First. May we have another? Just for Parts, of Course... BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Saturday, December 21, 2002
Court rules out plan to create baby for transplant

The controversy over designer babies was re-ignited yesterday when the High Court ruled against a couple who wanted to create a sibling to provide a transplant for their terminally ill child...


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Ghost Of Christmas Future Taunts Children With Visions Of PlayStation 5 BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, December 19, 2002
Bored with scaring elderly misers, the Ghost of Christmas Future is spending the holiday season taunting modern children with visions of Christmas 2016's hottest toy: the Sony PlayStation 5, a 2,048-bit console featuring a 45-Ghz trinary processor, CineReal graphics booster with 2-gig biotexturing, and an RSP connector for 360-degree online-immersion play...


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Hard Drive Recovery Company Employs Crisis Counselor BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, December 19, 2002
If you thought Christmas brought out feelings of suicide, you've never met a person whose computer hard drive has crashed...


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"I Told Ya I Don't Need Know Stinkin' Driver" BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, December 19, 2002
A volunteer for Operation Red Nose, which gives rides to booze-up motorists, learned first hand about the dangers of drinking and driving when she was rear-ended by an intoxicated man. "We know that the message isn't getting to everyone when you have incidents like that," says the Nose executive director...


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HOLIDAY CHEER: Painting the Town Red BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Yes, Virginia, There is a Santa Claus.

Recently, a truncated version of Francis Church’s celebrated editorial has been appearing on sidewalks all over Greater Boston. For some, the many red, spray-painted SANTA IS REAL tags have provided comic relief from the fretful reveries of the holiday season...


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New Stanford Institute Is to Study Controversial Stem Cell Manipulation BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, December 17, 2002
A new stem cell institute being set up at Stanford University will study a wide variety of human diseases through two advanced but controversial techniques of cell manipulation. One is nuclear transfer, also used in cloning animals...


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"No, Virginia Rylie, there isn't a Santa Claus" BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Saturday, December 14, 2002
A substitute teacher in Florida was reading aloud to her class of Kindergartners when the subject unexpectedly turned to the existence of Santa Claus. Rather than perpetuate a myth, "Mrs. P" chose to come clean with the gathered five year olds, and explained that there was no Santa, and that all presents "come from mom and dad." Well, next thing you know, kids are crying, parents are protesting, and the teacher feels awful. In an effort to "make up for the teacher's lapse," the school district decides to send in a "Santa" to visit the class in order to "set the record straight": "Today's visiting Santa, with a natural, full white beard, should convince even a classroom full of skeptics, said district spokesman Englehart. 'He's the real deal.'"...


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Baby Jesus Statue Stolen, Ransom Note Left Behind BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Saturday, December 14, 2002
The people who took a family's baby Jesus statue from a front lawn nativity scene left behind this all-caps message: "TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN: WE HAVE YOUR BABY JESUS. IF YOU EVER WANNA SEE YOUR BABY JESUS AGAIN, LEAVE 800 DOLLARS IN SMALL BILLS, NOT TRACEABLE, IN THE MAILBOX OF ... WE WILL CONTACT YOU LATER WITH FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS. YOURS TRULY." The note was signed by "Me, him and the other kid who was really scared and didn't want to take your baby Jesus and the whole time all he did was say stuff like you're going to hell, this isn't right, stop."


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Internet FBI Tosses Most Wanted Into Web BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, December 12, 2002
The FBI and Terra Lycos are teaming up in an effort to capture one of the U.S.'s most wanted fugitives. In what the FBI calls a "groundbreaking technological initiative in law enforcement," Lycos will feature information and a likeness of James "Whitey" Bulgar in banner ads across its global network. Previously, the government's Ten Most Wanted list only appeared on the FBI site...


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Science Gateway Ties Unsold PCs Into Grid Supercomputer BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, December 12, 2002
All those lonely PCs waiting to be sold now have something to do: Tuesday, Gateway unveiled a plan to link nearly 8000 PCs in hundreds of its retail stores in a grid-computing environment, and make the horsepower available ...


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Huh?! Study: Teens Supposedly Concerned About Health BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, December 12, 2002
Teenagers who look to the Internet for health information are being blocked from many useful sites by porn filters that federal law requires on school and library computers, a new study has found.

Brett Collier, one of the seven teenagers in the U.S. who searched for health related information on the Internet last year, found that he could not reach numerous websites.

"I was searching for information on the health risks of having really big boobs, you know, like back aches and stuff, but I couldn't get to some of the sites. My teacher suggested searching on "breast", but that just took me to a bunch of cancer sites. Cancer sucks dude."

"The filters were bad, but I found that not having a credit card was even worse. Some body should do a study of why all the good breast health information sites require a credit card."


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Space Asteroids Brought Water to Mars: Study BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Theory casts doubt on whether red planet ever had oceans.
Mars never had oceans as some researchers have claimed, but instead is a cold, dry planet that was pounded by water-bearing asteroids and showered with scalding rain that carved vast gullies and valleys. This suggests the Red Planet was a less than favourable place for life as we know it, a new study claims...


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Science Men are Mice: Thereby Hangs a Tail BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, December 10, 2002
The question about whether one is a man or mouse is made redundant today by an 80 million international scientific programme that concludes that men are mice without tails...


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Internet Microsoft: Windows Cheaper ?! BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, December 10, 2002
A Microsoft Corp.-sponsored white paper from market researcher International Data Corp. released last week found that Windows 2000 offered a lower five-year total cost of ownership in certain Linux server environments...


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Hormel Sues Spam Blockers BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, December 05, 2002
Hormel foods has filed suit against the Spam Prevention Early Warning System for blocking the delivery of Spam to many of its customers.

“SPEWS and other spam blockers have been put on notice that Hormel will not tolerate Anti-spam activities. We’ve been very happy about the way that the Internet community has embraced spam. Our research shows that spam is by far the most talked about food product on the Internet. But we don’t want the words “spam” and “anti” ever being concatenated. People who attempt to concatenate spam or block the delivery of spam will see us in court.

Rather than subscribing to Spam blocking services, Hormel recommends forwarding unwanted Spam to the hungry.


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Georgia Bait and Switch BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, December 05, 2002
The Confederate flag helped make Sonny Perdue Georgia's next governor. Now it's payback time.
Some politicians have all the luck. First Sonny Perdue manages to get himself elected as the first Republican governor of Georgia in 130 years, despite being wildly outspent by Democratic incumbent Roy Barnes. Now it looks as though Perdue's frantic, early efforts to duck a racially-tinged campaign promise regarding the state's flag may prove at least temporarily successful...


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Huh?! FBI Director Wishes He Had Some Alien Thing To Cover Up BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Thursday, December 05, 2002
Tired of focusing on counterfeiting operations and unsubstantiated homeland-security threats, FBI director Robert Mueller said Monday that he wishes he had some exciting alien thing to cover up. "Don't get me wrong, I know the work I do is important and necessary," Mueller said. "But, man, after a long day of reading 450-page reports on plausible areas of concern for liquor-license falsification, I really wish I could order a sweeping cover-up of reverse-engineered UFO technology." Mueller added that it would be cool just to see a real spaceman.


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Georgia Retailers Experiment With "Human Pop-Up Windows" BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, December 03, 2002
The stalled U.S. economy has prompted many businesses to find more creative ways to market their products and services. The Galleria in Marietta, Georgia has tried borrowing a concept from the internet and adapting it to the real world...


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Face Transplants Now Possible BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, December 03, 2002
Full face transplants are no longer science fiction fantasy, a top surgeon said yesterday. They are technically feasible but ethically complex.
Peter Butler from London's Royal Free Hospital called for a debate on the ethics of such an operation made possible by drugs that stop the immune system from rejecting a transplanted face.......


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Internet Financially Strapped Parents Dipping Into Their Unwitting Kids' Credit BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Tuesday, December 03, 2002
With the proliferation of credit cards, experts say parents who've botched their own finances are increasingly tempted to dip into their children's credit. As co-signers, all they need is a birth date and Social Security number....


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Huh?! Local Teen Activist Dampens IR Admin's Style BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Saturday, November 30, 2002
Upon hearing "Awe Daddy, that is too cool !!!", (Fitzgerald to those that know her, CJ to those that love her), a local teen animal activist, came into the Irrational Noise Hub to investigate and was appalled by what she saw. IR administrator Alex Dunn, along with IR Consultant Drew Dunn and Gaming Consultant of Rece's Pieces.com, were reviewing various games for both the Irrational Noise and Rece's Pieces sites and had fallen upon the idea to add an animal gaming section.

Distraught by the giggles and guffaws of her siblings, brought on by such games as Cat Bowling, Kick the Kitty, Farting Dog's Harmonica and the likes, delivered her ultimatum, " Ya'll are sick. Those games are just cruel. Daddy, if you post those links, I'll never speak to you again !!!"

Fearing this to be no idle threat, the reluctant trio agreed to remove the offensive games in question..."There now will you talk to me, Pumpkin'"?...


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Huh?! My Daddy's a Wuss !!! BAR-ENDER
Posted by on Saturday, November 30, 2002
CJ never visits his site and he still lets her rule over content sometimes, but not any more !!! As an IR Consultant and soon to be moderator with news posting and editing privileges, I refuse to allow my Animal Nazi sister to deprive honest and wholesome individuals such as yourselves of the pleasures of Cat Bowling or The Farting Dogs Harmonics.

me and I'll send you the links. Be quick about it, because if CJ happens to see this, I'm sure my wuss Dad will delete this post...

psssst: You can also sign the Guestbook and I'll send it. Oh and check out the new game we did get past CJ, Hangaroo... ...


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